Twitter 101: Episode 1, Timeline of Human Communication

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Today is my first ever guest post on You Think Too Much!  As promised, my good friend Mr. Attack Resistance has written the first in a three part installment on the wonder and beauty that is Twitter.  Stay tuned tomorrow for the next installment on the goodness of Twitter (though I still doubt I will be convinced it is better than fuzzy socks).

Hey gang! Mr. Attack Resistance here, and I’ve been asked by my good friend to talk to you about Twitter. Yes, Twitter. She’s given in, you see. Thrown in the electronic towel, as it were, and has joined the bestest social networking site around. So far she has one follower. Off to a great start! To begin my professing of all things Twitter I have to start with fire. Some of you will ask why that is. I’ll reply by saying, “Mind your own business!” The truth is, kids, you can’t discuss how Twitter has truly impacted the way in which we communicate without first understanding how that has evolved over the millennia. So, without further ado, please enjoy my:

Timeline of Human Communication
~50,000 Years Ago: Fire invented. Shadow puppets make a big splash, reducing in popularity every day since inception.

~35,000 Years Ago: Spoken word. Knock-Knock jokes somehow invented before the door. No one asks, “Who’s there?” for another 25,000 years.

~5,000 Years Ago: Sumerians invent writing. “King Enki was here” first known graffiti, painted in an ancient alleyway in Eridu.

1436 AD: Johannes Gutenberg begins working on his printing press. He is sued in 1439 for failure to repay loans. Sadly, the irony of the lawsuit being printed on the Gutenberg press is lost to most people of the time.

1844: Samuel Morse successfully sends his famous message by transmitting the words, “What hath God wrought” from the halls of the Supreme Court to the B&O Outer Depot in Baltimore. 164 years later, The Wire is cancelled and no one has a reason to care about Baltimore ever again.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell awarded patent for invention of the telephone. Watson doesn’t forgive him for yelling rudely that one time until 1880.

1881: Oddly, emoticons invented in this year and published by satirical magazine Puck. No, really.

1897: Nikola Tesla files the first two patents for radio in the US. Some dick named Marconi is given all the credit.

1926: John Logie Baird demonstrates what is widely believed to be the first television transmission. Hipsters everywhere claim it hasn’t been as good since.

1964: The Xerox corporation introduces the first commercially available fax machine. Two days later the first unsolicited fax offering cheap cruise line vacations is received.

1969: ARPANET transmits two letters of the first electronic message before it crashes. 26 years later, Bill Gates uses this system stability as his benchmark for Windows 95.

1982: Al Gore finally gets around to inventing the Internet.

1982: E-mail also invented this year. Subject of first e-mail is reportedly, “Who the Fuck Is Al Gore?”

1988: Robert Tappan Morris releases the Morris Worm to “gauge the size of the Internet”. The US legal system disagrees with his methods and he is the first person sent to prison for a cybercrime.

1997: is launched and is widely believed to be the first true social networking site. They stupidly ignore the allure of Kevin Bacon and fold shortly afterward.

1998: Google founded on September 4th. Number of drunken brawls started by trivia questions plummets by 99.995% within five years.

2003: MySpace founded. First known awkward self-portrait of teenage girl in her bathroom posted within 24 hours.

2004: Facebook launches under the name Facebook goes on to becomes the world’s number one way for friends to tend fake farms online while complaining about food shortages in Africa.

2006: Twitter launches on March 21st when founder Jack Dorsey tweets, “just setting up my twttr” at 9:50PM PST. 5,000 years of the written word is compressed to just 140 characters. Politicians still find a way to piss people off.
Is that all perfectly clear?   And for the record, Mr. Attack Resistance, I have a grand total of 8 followers on Twitter now.  Tomorrow, why Twitter is good for things besides just seeing how stupid politicians are.

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